Diary of a Blah Mom, Entry #2
This month's installment of Diary of a Blah Mom is about what it means to be a "blah mom" like ME. So today was my big kids' first day off for Thanksgiving break. I've been at pop-up shows over the past two weekends for Sweetgood and I am noticing the creeping disorder around me...apparently I was getting a lot more done around the edges of life on the weekends than I had realized...not to undermine the fantastic job my sweet husband has done with the kids and home (and he's currently making their dinner while I write this...what a guy!) but let's face it, moms have certain super powers. So today I decided to give myself the goal of: "TOTAL HOUSEHOLD PERFECTION." The amount of tasks I needed to accomplish in order to achieve "TOTAL HOUSEHOLD PERFECTION" was rather lofty. Packing and shipping Sweetgood orders, many loads of laundry (I lost count), bathrooms, bedsheets, backyard junk cleanup, etc. All with my 3 kids, plus their best neighbor buddy and Maggie the Schnoodle in tow. I was busy, busy, busy and pretty annoyed and frustrated all day. And the kids were so IN THE WAY. Elise baked a cake (the resulting mess equalizing and thus negating all prior household accomplishments of the am). Theo and his buddy spilled a box of party decorations down the basement stairs and did not, I repeat, did not clean it up...upon questioning it turns out they did not, I repeat, did not actually spill it...it fell on it's own after destabilization in it's already precarious location on the shelf next to the basement stairs...and I only discovered it on my way down the basement stairs to retrieve a grim reaper costume from 3 years ago located in the halloween storage box somewhere in the basement because I could not, I repeat, could not listen to Gus ask me for it again! Gus is going to be the grim reaper for Thanksgiving. And after all of this, I didn't even get in a morning shower, so every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror my thought was, "YOU STILL HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN DRESSED FOR THE DAY??!!!" I was repeatedly shocked by this fact...
You may notice, none of the aforementioned circumstances were working for me and my goal of TOTAL HOUSEHOLD PERFECTION. But here's the ugly truth....the only reason I was dreaming of TOTAL HOUSEHOLD PERFECTION was to escape the feeling I had from the moment I woke up. And the feeling was: BLAH. There you go, folks! It's the most boring feeling imaginable! Never was there a more blah feeling than the feeling: blah. Blah is basically a combo of bored and sad and disappointed...or something in that vicinity. Since thoughts cause feelings, I can track the blah feeling back to something like "A super-awesome, extra-special, uber-dazzling mom would not, I repeat, would NOT be living in a ridiculously messy, dirty, disorderly house like this!!!" TOTAL HOUSEHOLD PERFECTION was clearly the totally perfect solution. On the other hand, is it possible to be in a totally perfect environment and still feel blah? And an even better question is: why do I so want to feel super-awesome, extra-special and uber-dazzling all the time anyway? Is that how I actually want to define a successful life?
According to Brooke, the life coach, being human means having positive feelings 50% of the time and negative feelings 50% of the time. So what I was doing today was using the dream of TOTAL HOUSEHOLD PERFECTION and the busy-ness as a way to escape my negative feeling (blah-ness)....trying to escape the negative 50%. But the side effects of trying to escape the negative 50% weren't worth the trade-off...now that I think of it. The busy-ness was really just going on in my head. I can only do one task at a time, so busy-ness is a mind game, keeping me distracted (by design) and not present with myself and how I am feeling and not present with my kids. AND not present with Maggie the Schnoodle for heaven's sake!! It also dulls me out in general, so while I was escaping the blah I was also not feeling warm and connected at any point in the day. And I'm more wiped out than ever from my mental busy-ness and the frustration and stress from not achieving TOTAL HOUSEHOLD PERFECTION...not physically tired but mentally tired.
So tomorrow's goal will be: HIRE A STAFF. Just kidding....instead it will be: "FEEL THE BLAH-NESS." I'm just going to anticipate feeling blah and bored and sad and I'm not going to try to fix it. I'm going to hang out with the kids. We are going to bake an apple pie. I'm going to vacuum and mop the floors. And blah-ness can be my sidekick through all of this. I'm not going to expect the kids to be neat and orderly. I'm not going to expect the house to be neat and orderly. I'm not going to get it all done...if there's too much on my plate I'm going to remove something from my plate. I'm not going to be busy. I'm not going to achieve TOTAL HOUSEHOLD PERFECTION (even though I'm still thinking it sounds awfully nice...). I'm going to try not to judge myself based on how the house looks AND most importantly, I'm not going to expect myself to feel super-awesome, extra-special or uber-dazzling at all! I'm going to just be the best blah mom I can be. Thank you my dear friends for reading this to the bitter end!!!! I love you and have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!